.i cant shake this little feeling. [entries|friends|calendar] ♥ kristi [ website | myspace ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

back at it?! [Thursday . September 2nd, 2010 . 2:01am] [ mood | sleepy ] Lisa just told me she started a blog. Which made me want to blog again. Exhibitionist much? So yeah. 6 years later...going back to the LJ. I'd write about life right now if it wasn't 2am and I didn't have to be in work "early" (early = 10:45 but I need my beauty sleep!). Tomorrow. I promise. I'm sure the -6 people who read this are itching for an update. 2

[Friday . April 10th, 2009 . 1:54am] soooo...i clearly never update anymore but i just looked at the weather and it might snow on saturday (yes, april 11). what the fucking shit?! that just pissed me off sooooo bad. all i want is for it to be so blazing fucking hot out that i can barely wear clothing. thats all i want. i want a cute lil sun burn and booty shorts. i wanna tuck my winter clothing away and pretend i dont live in boston. and i want it to be august so i can go white water rafting with my cheesy homies. thats all. deliver, mother nature. thanks. love always, kristi dean

hi, 2009 [Sunday . February 8th, 2009 . 11:51pm] [ mood | relaxed ] i wish i updated this more often. i miss having a record of my thoughts. really. its my last semester of college finally and im sooo excited! i just remember when i dropped out for that semester and had no faith in my abilities to finish school. now, im there. i cant believe the things i used to think about myself and the things i thought i could never possibly do. im so glad to be out of that. i hope to never return to that sorry state of mind. but now, i dont know what to do about grad school. i want to start asap but i probably cant because i havent applied anywhere or taken the GREs or anything of that nature. i dont want to stress myself out about it right now, but its definitly something i wish i thought of earlier. i reallllly dont want to wait an entire year to start. except i dont even know what i want to go for at this moment in time. maybe i should consider that before making any major moves. that might be a little wise. also, i dont want to be a full time waitress anymore. im fucking sick of telling people about mahi mahi and describing blueberry cheesecake. fuck your cheesecake. fuck your wanting mashed potatoes instead of french fries. fuck you saying your pasta is too spicey. fuck you not liking the cheesecake factory iced tea. im sorry. that got a little out of hand. just thinking about asking people how they want their factory burger cooked makes my eye twitch lately. ...but the money is ADDICTIVE. what else.... i got my hair did. its short. and highlighted. and i like it lots and lots. i look fly. supa dupa fly. like missy elliot. only...not at all. and im rambling. because thats what i like to do in this thing. and meghan was right when she said that writing in an online journal is kind of weird. it is. its very weird. theres no need to publish this nonsense. im watching the science of sex on the discovery channel. so im going to stop now. because this is DEAD interesting.

FOR THE RECORD... [Friday . December 5th, 2008 . 2:05am] i think everyone is bullshit. really. no one thinks anymore. everyone thinks in a self-centered manner. no one thinks logically. fucking think, people. fuck. i dont even want to expose myself to it anymore. i want to fucking pretend like im not surrounded by a bunch of fucking idiots who ignore the truth all day, every day. so, think about the thing thats bothering you most right now. unbiasedly, consider the truth of why this thing is bothering you so much. it feels really good. i know the truths about why whatever it is that bothering me is doing so. so, everyone else, stop blaming others for your stupidity. THINK. i think. i know. stop lying to yourself. the end.

[Thursday . November 13th, 2008 . 1:37am] [ mood | moody ] i dont know why im writing in this. this thing sucks. however, im kinda pissed off and this is my only method of venting, currently. double today. tonight, i felt like i had no idea what i was doing. i didnt do bad and i wasnt ridiculously busy...i just felt confused? i guess. like i wasnt even working but at the same time i was working really hard. how can i explain that more clearly? nobody knows. still having the same lame ass work "issues"- if they can even be called that. its not an issue anymore, its more stupidity now. but hey, everyone loves a stupid bastard. that is alllll too clear to me. especially when a stupid bastard gets way more respect than someone on the same level due solely to the fact that theyre a stupid bastard. too bad im a wise bitch and not a stupid bastard. that is neither here nor there. its getting too cold, too soon. and im not ready for christmas time. put the wreaths away, mall. stop playing christmas music everywhere. fuck. i love christmas as much as the next goofball but its not even thanksgiving yet. let the turkey have his time to shine. before you slaughter him and plant him in the center of the table like a floral arrangement. to somehow remind of us of how lovely it was when we stole the native american's land. from my last rant, we can derive: 1) my nearly 1 year of vegetarianism. 2) i think thanksgiving is stupid. 3) i dont want to hear jingle bells yet. ...so i burned a CD with wilson phillips on it instead. my knuckles are bleeding. im addicted to intervention. i wanna go buckwild saturday night. im taking biological anthropology next semester. im graduating next semester. im starting my phd in 2010. i need a new pool of dudes to select from. i need to work in a lab testing bells and whistles on rats. i need winter clothing. i need club clothes. i want to chop my hair off. i want to do yoga. diet ginger ale is so tasty. im so hungry. i want to get up early enough to get a dunks coffee before school. so goodnight.

obamaaaaa [Tuesday . November 4th, 2008 . 11:18pm] [ mood | excited ] im really so excited. -we no longer have a republican president. -i've been told my entire life that i will never live to see a black president. now im sitting here watching an old white man giving a speech after losing to a black man. - no more dog racing. - if i take up pot smoking, i wont get cuffed. - mccain lost. - no more palin. - palin is crying on tv right now. her husband is kinda hot. - evangelical christians all over the country are shitting themselves. that is all. be excited everyone. seeing this is superior to having seen the moonwalk in '69.

[Friday . October 24th, 2008 . 2:49pm] [ mood | amused ] last night, i had a dream that kim kardashian created a sweet clothing line and then died. and then for some reason, i got ridiculous outfits from her line for free. but i had to go to disney world to obtain them. and i fell off of a ferris wheel. and random relatives of melinda didnt like me because i was bitching about how much i hate ferris wheels. and then my dad brought me on a lake buena vista boat ride. i drink too much.

semi-annual urge to update. [Thursday . August 21st, 2008 . 12:36am] [ mood | creepy ] i dont know where to beginnnn. this has been quite the fucking summer, i must say. im dying my eye brows currently. because i tried to put black streaks in my hair while drunk and failed miserably. and then had to work a double with said failed hair experiment. so i dyed it all black and hated it. so then alejandro pulled my hair through a highlighting bonnet (i<3gay friends) and now i like it. but my eye brows were looking shabbily light. so thats why. not that it needed an explanation. its just bizarre that i had black hair for five days. finally done with summer classes. took one class each session. greek civilization in session 1 made me want to gauge my eyeballs out with the triton of poseidon. psych stats in session 2 was pretty cool though. best teacher ever- an australian drunk who did cartwheels. took my final today and i think i nailed it. even though i was out until 4am drinking vodka last night and never studied. just came back from a weekend at winnepisaukee (sp? im not checking) with melinda. we stayed at her aunts wicked nice house in moultonborough. it was so much fun- i love her family. we played kings with her aunt and uncle and her uncles rule was you had to roll your head like in the exorcist and say "your mother sucks cocks in hell" with that voice. funniest thing ever. we drove out to alton bay on the boat and i got to see mt. major from the lake and it made my inner lame-tree-hugging-side squeal with delight. and then we got caught on the lake in a storm and i turned purple and my appendages went numb haha. we came back sunday. i was exhausted and missed it already. then monday night i almost got a dui but then i didnt. so that was cool. other summer highlights include... - my painful, life threatening UTI and missing the six flags DT outing because of it. that was fun. - brookes baby shower hahahahaha. only i would attend a baby shower with a bottle of vodka, play flip cup, initiate an afterparty, and then never make it home. really, only me. - theresas wedding and the hotel lobby after party with a traveling dominican baseball team. fuckin a' haha...only my family. - ccf softball game #2...namely the afterparty. "youre putting a damper on my orgy" & "when sleeping in a clusterfuck with three servers, your ekm, and sautee cook- be sure that your ekm is on your immediate right" CLASSIC. - staceys bday night in boston and the mini savio reunion. and forcing emily to pee in the middle of a boston street. - getting into a fight with the white trash lady whos ethnic husband tried to bum a cigg off of me at 2:30am in boston. "if you want to smoke with dignity...go buy a pack, fat ass." ...yeah. and just shit in general has been pretty busy, enjoyable, drunken, fun filled, and dandy. except one thing. which created a sea of things. but really, even the worst of things happen for a reason. you gotta roll with it and take it all in. even though it all boils down to my cold heart and black soul. ha. haha. and hey, its sorta fun to watch an "adult" scamper away with the mere sight of me. and to have everyone notice it and laugh with me. im talking out of my asshole because its 1:22am. and im unable to prepare myself for bed. possibly because this task includes the washing of the uniform, washing of the face, removal of the shirt, taking of the pills, drinking of the water, emptying of the bladder, choosing of the television entertainment, arranging of the pillows, et cetera. yeah i just pulled out some latin. what now?! pulled out. hahaha. im the most mature 22 year old ever. really. speaking of which, andreas sweet 16 is friday. wtf?! the babys growing up!! shes having an ill party and im going to imbibe much of the open bar along with meghan. and then go into boston after already hammered and not spend a dime on drinks all friday night. yeah guy. and of course, ill get to see my family and whatnot that night as well. rumor has it people are dressing for the hollywood theme and im pretty stoked to see that. im gonna have the camera fully charged and ready to go. i should sleep. me and ronaldino are taking g-pa out for bday breakfast in the morning. which im excited for because i never see the man even though he lives downstairs. i feel weird going down there sometimes ever since my nana died. i feel bad leaving him. i feel weird sitting there in the living room talking to him with pictures of my nana plastered all over the walls. bahh. its been over two years. i still havent been to the grave. the thought of it instantly makes my eyes water. well that was an unpleasant last note to leave this entry on. so like... go listen to your nearest boyz II men CD to cheer you up. because thats what imma do. holla.

scrumps. [Thursday . June 19th, 2008 . 1:39am] [ mood | peeved ] um. i recieved a piece of shrimp in a pasta dish today that still had feet. therefore, in addition to meat, i will no longer be eating fish. fuckin' a. ps. what the mother fuck is wrong with some people? they dont clean the shrimp, theyre lazy, they lie, etc. fuckin' a. just clean the shrimp and admit you forgot to fucking clean it. bye.

you an dat monkeh. [Thursday . April 3rd, 2008 . 5:21pm] [ mood | happy ] well hello. i sign on this daily but never update. i dont know why that is. i go back to last year at this time, and i have a TON of wicked negative updates about the horrible shit i was going through. but now, things are pretty swell and i have nothing to say. funny how that works. i've decided to update today because it's been about a year. one year of actively trying to recover from the lowest point in my life so far. one year since i really thought i was going to die. one year since i've cried every single day of my life and feared losing control of myself because it happend so frequently. sad and scary. but at the same time, wonderful and uplifting. im not there anymore and i have learned so much. would i do it again? scary to say, but probably. im in the best place that ive ever been in my life even though i had to take the road through hell to get here. enough about that though. still at the cheese. trying to get some spinellis shifts because im currently broke due to the fact that i eat and drink all of my earnings. went to the wildhorse with melinda and lisa the other night and it was suchhh a good time. last night, me and melinda went to ccf and recruited people to go to sylvan. i got hammered off four martinis. today, i did my veiling presentation and it really went great. i was happy with it. i showed the negative perception of the veiling of women in the western hemisphere and i had to do it in front of two veiled women who were guest speakers. it was a little uncomfortable but they enjoyed it. i was happy with it. sooo...then i left school and my car battery was dead. i got a jump from some older woman in a hyundai. thank god i bought those cables last time my battery exploded. now, im about to go to the gymmy since i havent been all week. and thats my entry. im into my 20s still updating and i love it. <3 <3 <3

im a head case [Monday . February 25th, 2008 . 11:53pm] [ mood | crazy ] soooo for some unfound reason, ive been having these feelings that i suck at my job. its been like killing me for some reason that- again- i know not where they come from. and today i just got a notice informing me im invited to be a DT (designated trainer). am i nuts? things have been good. i havent been feeling down at all lately which is awesome. i have plenty of stuff to keep me busy anyway. between school and work and being social...oye! i had the most hilarious night of my life this month when i hung out with work peeps and managers. until 5am. yeah. lets just say school was rough the next day haha. i slept in a leather chair at school. uhhh...so yeah. last night me and meghan went to the 99. in woburn and we made a friend. who were going back to visit apparently since he gave us his entire schedule haha. too bad he didnt work at a good resturaunt because he was pretty dece. meghan thought him a candidate for me. then we stalken people and sang instead of listening to the radio. boys II men being one artist of choice. today at work, we decided anyone who mis-ran food would have to give johnny mac a blumpkin. it was a funny day. my mom is recovering from surgery. shes pretty miserable. i want to steal her pain meds. we played apples to apples for like 6 hours tonight. awesome. jealous? ok. that is my random tale for today. toodles kiddiessss.

[Saturday . February 16th, 2008 . 2:05am] lil died. i dont know why but im strangely disturbed and really upset by it. im not sure how she died- i think she might have had breast cancer. either way, it makes me sad. i hated working with her but she was always pretty funny and it was good running in to her a few times a year. i remember seeing her at bingo when me and my mom took my nana before she died. maybe thats why its getting to me. tell nana i said hi, lil <3.

why dont you like me? why dont you walk out the door?! [Thursday . February 14th, 2008 . 12:48am] [ mood | lazy ] ugh. i feel sick. me and andrea just ate so much food. food is gross. i dont remember when i last updated. i know it was after the superbowl. but yeah...im not sure when. i made a lot of money this weekend. i went to steves party friday night. what an interesting evening haha. all i know is that i left outerwear at his house and i threw up and didnt know about it. until he told me on myspace. and then i found vomit in my bed. heinous. worked saturday. stand by sunday. got called at 8:30 to come in by 10. was running then got a station. sickkk. then i napped and we all went out for teris birthday at p.f. changs. nick was being sooo amusing and i met a girl from lynnfield who knows all the lynnfield people i know. interesting. and it was cold. uhhh...i got blood taken on tuesday. i always get so bummed when i get blood drawn. except ive been getting it once a month for almost a year so i should be used to it. tallula got her eye fixed today (: shes all stiched up right now and shes on pain meds so shes acting all crazy haha and she has to wear the cone collar thinger so she doesnt scratch her eye. i feel so bad for her but shes going to look so good once shes all healed. and i guess she doesnt have cancer anymore? i worked a surprise double today. i swapped shifts with courtney so i could work at spinellis on sunday and so she wouldnt have to work tonight. except were closed sunday night now so i wouldnt have had to work anyway. but it wasnt bad at all tonight...i was run 1. so i left early. and it was semi-dead anyway. but i only made $17 at lunch. so today was pretty much a waste of my livelihood. then i went to the ccf for a third time because me and andrea wanted nachos. and now im wicked full and all effing set with food. forever. except until i get hungry tomorrow. and tomorrow is v-day so im bound to eat a lot to make up for the fact that im going to feel brutally unloved. yeah, im that girl. amit at work asked what my plans were and i made no bones about the fact that i plan to binge eat haha. he was like "oh..." but then he said that shouldnt be true because who could resist me?! i was like...um apparently everyone. whatever. im over feeling sorry for myself. for real. i dont have to be miserable in any situation. i can walk away and then see who follows me. see whos real. i feel like i have to do that sometimes instead of my usual bowing to everyone and being subservient ALL the time. sometimes, i just wanna do my own thing. most of the time, i just look forward to relaxing. laying around and stuff. thats why i need my own apartment. id just be like "yo. im not gettin up. bring a box of wine and a few DVDs over and we can have a good time"...to everyone. now im rambling. this has nothing to do with how i hate valentines day. oh well...this does: i- i know a boy he puts the color inside of my world. and ive done all i can to stand at his door with my heart in my hand. now im starting to see. maybe its got nothing to do with me...

eye cancer? [Wednesday . February 6th, 2008 . 2:01am] [ mood | okay ] sooo february is already off to a peculiar start. school is actually pretty good and i didnt even have to try out like 9 different classes before i was happy with my schedule. its only tuesday thursday- woop!- but im there from 8:30-3:45. which is wicked long but its pretty effing awesome going to school all of two days a week. im taking a women studies/religion class called "women in religion". its basically my teacher being ridiculously feminist and showing how religions portray women. its actually a pretty interesting class and it takes a cool look at culture in general. i can also see myself getting into some heated arguments with some of the people in that class because im like anti-religion. but it should make for an interesting way to begin a long day at the umbizzle. then i move to creative writing where the teacher is a wicked big bitch but in a funny way that i sorta appreciate. she was so intimidating the first day she scared danny away so now im alone. but i think i like it better that way. ill be less inhibited. except i do have another "friend" there but...uh yeah. so then i was supposed to take stats but on the first day of school before i even went to my first class i said to myself "fuck stats" and signed up for nutrition. its a 200 person lecture hall and i sleep haha. danny is in that class as well because we for some reason always take all of the same classes. and the teacher is like old, wears a green vest with medallion things on it, and talks in a monotone manner. then i have a glorious hour and a half break which i spend either reading wicked trashy magazines, sleeping, or playing countless facebook application games. im wicked cool. then...dun dun dunnnn...NEUROSCIENCE. i love it. but i hate it. the teacher moves so fast and its such complicated material but i love it. i didnt expect it to be easy- its the brain. i sit there attentively and take crazy notes for the entire 75 minutes without blinking. i never do that. but i think i have to in this class. in fact, i know i have to. surprise, danny is in this class too. amy is too and like 4554 of the other psych regulars. tough...but worth itttt. so yeah what else. ive had a pretty good past week. me and meg drove ronnie to school on monday and then went to newport, ri to see the mansions. i worked a bunch. thursday me and andrea drove to pick ronnie up and we all got the cheesecake factory for dinner which was a good time. friday i actually had a horrendous day (dream ronnie was murdered followed by me waking up at 11am for an 11:30am shift in PEABODY from eastie, mis-running food, making like $30, looking like warm asshole, etc etc). but it was followed by an amazing night with meg and sage. we basically got booze and chocolate and played "rock band" on xbox 360 from 7:30-1. and me and meghan each drank almost 2 liters of white zinfandel in the process. then meg did my hair while she was booted haha. saturday i slept in and went to work. work sucked. i made no money. and then i slept. and then it was superbowl sunday and i ate like a pig all day. first ihop with tommy for brunch followed by some creeping followed by an interesting experience in dorchester with meg and LC, followed by anas taqueria, followed by mad chips and ice cream haha. the patriots motherfucking lost the superbowl. wow. wow. me and meg went to mike buonapanes house to watch it haha. i drank mad peach rum and got wicked into the game. when they lost, the room went silent. it was like someone died in our presence. 18-1. wow. but i was secretly happy for the giants because they were SO happy. i think more about how good the winning team must feel than how salted i am that my hometeam lost. there was a player from the giants crying on tv. like how good do these guys feel that they just won the superbowl to an undefeated, multi record breaking team?! pretty fucking good. thats how good. so thats my little spiel about that. not to say that it wouldnt have been utterly glorious to watch the pats win like they should have. everyone ive talked to about has said the same thing...when the giants won it was like, "no. no there must be another quarter or something. no. what?" crazy. enough superbowl talk. because thats the first football game ive watched all season. this week has been pretty interesting thus far. i worked a double yesterday and i was being totally off the wall and it was hilarious. i made $145 for a monday double which is boss. then today i went to school and my mom left me a voicemail when i was in my last class. i called her back and she said tallulas eye was bleeding and we needed to go to the vet. so we sat there for HOURS (saw such cute doggies!!) and when she was finally seen the vet said it looked like the dog has CANCER behind her cherry eye. me and my mother were like bawling in the exam room. shes having surgery next week and shes all medicated with the cone collar thing on her head. i feel so bad for her. everyone wish tallula well! i went to dinner at figs with my parents tonight. it was delish. i pretty much love going there. then we came home and i went out with meghan for a bit. we had a serious talk and i feel like i was helpful. ive been through some shitty shit and while i cant compare what ive experienced to what someone else has, i like to try to put it into perspective. but part of our conversation tonight was based on perspective and how hard it is to understand someone who has lived a completely different life than you and knows completely different things. its so easy to get frustrated and resent their way of life but its probably in your best interest to "agree to disagree" i guess. someone may seem like a great human being but if there is a complete conflict of interests and neither of you can understand where the other one is coming from, its probably best to not try to mesh the mess. and this all leads to the ultimate conflict of WHO AM I? what do i stand for? what is my lifestyle? where am i going? who do i want? who can i do without? WHAT DO I WANT? what makes me happy? what do i want to be? am i happy? i dont know. at all. its scary. but im going to try to tackle these questions. i dont want to force out an answer out of nowhere. but i want an idea. a direction. because if im not happy and im not who i want to be, i want to know ASAP. but ill never know until i figure out who i am and embrace that whether its perfect or not. i cant strive to be perfect because "ideal perfection" is not my perfect. and thats all there is to it. easier said than done. im done. its like 3am. goodnight<33

hello, 3am. [Tuesday . January 22nd, 2008 . 2:56am] [ mood | weird ] ehhh i never update anymore. i miss the days when i could write 10000000 things about my day, have a nice beefy entry adding commentary about my thoughts, feelings, and love interests. ugh. now i just feel like uh yeah i do nothing. i sleep til 2pm. i eat. i go to the gym. i work. i eat again. i see a movie here and there. sometimes i get ridiculously drunk and only remember the night through pictures. etc etc. i need something BIG to "blog" about. you know? like the days when i was 16 and i could write about new CDs, new driving adventures, new boy obsessions, high school drama, and whatnot. now im pushing 22...and nothing "big" is happening. what the fuck dude? eh i just feel weird. and im watching really depressing TV about torture in iraq. and i saw people spooning on tv earlier and i wanna spoon. be little spoon, obviously, in particular. so now im lonely. and im missing the days of having someone to regularly make out with. except right now im bleeding from the chest so no one would want to make out with me. ughhhhhhhhhh. i dont even know why im LJ bitching. i dont even enjoy this. im just doing it because its 3am. and ive already played facebook tetris 4343242 times. and theres nothing good left on TV. and i woke up 13 hours ago and had 2 coffees today so im not really tired. but i should go to bed. so i can like get up tomorrow. and eat. and go to the gym. maybe something exciting will happen tomorrow. like someone will invite me to move across country with them. or ill find $1,000,000 somewhere. or ill get some award in the mail. im going nuts haha. im gonna go play one...or 1233...more game(s) of facebook tetris and hit the sack. peace out homies.

first entry of 2008. [Wednesday . January 2nd, 2008 . 10:41pm] [ mood | depressed ] this year is starting off horribly.

existing. [Wednesday . December 12th, 2007 . 11:25pm] [ mood | exhausted ] im drained. sapped. exhausted. miserable. i work EVERY SINGLE DAY. im a zombie. i get up, go to school/run errands/go to the gym/go to work, come home, wash the appropriate uniform for the next day, go to bed, repeat. i havent done any shopping for christmas. ive hung out with only one of my friends in the past month. i sleep for either 2 or 12 hours a night...no in between. and im miserable and i dont even have any money saved. what the fuck. i should have like fucking 10 grand saved because all i do is work and nothing else. im going to start taking it easy and enjoying myself more. school is over pretty much and now i can catch up on living a little bit. i hope. or ill go crazy. again. on a lighter note...brand new was awesomeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee on sunday!!

my 24 hour illness... [Wednesday . December 5th, 2007 . 12:32pm] [ mood | blah ] sooo monday night i took ronnie and andrea to dinner at the cheesecake factory. i thought the chicken in my jambalaya was raw but i didnt say anything and i just pushed it all aside. and tuesday morning i woke up dry heaving and having other gastrointestinal problems. and i had sore joints and i could barely move. so i went to work at 10am just because i was thinking id be fine, i never get sick, ill just shake it off. didnt happen. they almost didnt send me home. i was livid. i finally got sent home after food started being made and i was getting wicked queasy and crying off of the smell. i drove home and slept from 11:30am until...um...5am this morning. yes. nearly an entire day. i woke up a few times yesterday which gave me enough time to cry and writhe around in pain, take motrin provided by my mother, and have her force feed me water and ginger ale because i hadnt eaten or drank anything for 24 hours. shit sucked. i seriously wanted to cut my legs off from the knees down thats how bad everything hurt. and i woke up this morning feeling pretty much fine. no more fever. wayyy less pain. and i was actually able to eat something. i pretty much still dont want to work tonight...i dont feel like thats a good idea. but i do need the money. so ill give it a shot. and im pretty much terrified of eating right now. i keep thinking about that chicken and then how i felt yesterday. every time i think of it i get nauseaous all over again. my mother thinks i have the flu but i really think it was the chicken. gross. sooo now all i have to do is get out of bed at some point. for the first time in like 25 hours. awesome. then go to work. forever. i need to hit the lottery immediatly.

i month to 2008. [Thursday . November 29th, 2007 . 11:38pm] [ mood | pensive ] in twenty minutes, it will be december 1st. one more month until 2008. i thought i would never see the day. literally, i didnt think i would make it this year. as wierd and as melodramatic it sounds, its true. the first six months of this year were the worst i have ever lived in my entire life. i dont even know where im at now in the progress of things. its all at a stand still. and i dont feel bad but i definitly dont feel as good as id like to. im lost. uncomfortable. stuck. i need change. i want to move out of my house really bad. i dont even really know why. i dont know if its the lack of privacy, my need for more personal living space, or what. i was talking to a girl i work at cheese with the other day and she was telling me how when she got her liscense at 16, she loaded up her car and just left her house. she moved to florida and then she lived in a few different states. i was so envious of her. i want to be that free. i want to be confident enough on my own to just go. i feel like i dont appreciate my freedom enough. i give in to my self imposed restraints and i get myself "stuck". i guess its not as easy as im making it sound. ive tried to stop things that drag me down before and it gets me nowhere. nothing works. ignoring problems doesnt work, tackling them aggressively doesnt work, talking doesnt work, medicine doesnt work, time doesnt work. so what can i do for now? im trying to keep a smile on my face, my work high-quality, and my schedule tight. working a lot is a great distraction.

its beginning to look a lot like christmas. apparently. [Monday . November 12th, 2007 . 1:27pm] [ mood | wicked bored ] im SOOO bored. and i feel like doing MAD surveys and i cant post them all on myspace. so here. fun. kinda. but not. 1. Who are you currently texting? i just texted meghan to congratulate her on her new niece! 2. Are you comfortable with answering personal questions? yeah pretty much 3. Have you ever cried and didn't know why? eh theres always a reason why even if you pretend there isnt. 4. When is the last time you were truly happy with your life? always. some days suck, some days are awesome. but if youre not happy, whats the point? 5. Where was your default MySpace picture taken? since im on LJ, my LJ pic was taken in megs car. 6. Do you think long distance relationships are ever really worth it? no 7. What did you do at your lowest point in life? stayed in bed for days, ate nothing, and cried until i passed out. fun. 8. What brought you back from that? it sounds dumb...but philosophy. realizing i was free to change my life situation no matter how awful things seemed. 9. Have you ever envisioned your own wedding? yeah. except ill prob never get married seeing as how you need someone to get married to. 10. When is the last time you personally made someone else cry? err i have no idea 13. What part of your looks are you the most complimented on? hair, teeth/lips, eyes, nose 14. Do you believe exes can really ever be "just friends?" i dont know...it depends 15. What are you wearing on your feet? socks. im so cold ): 16. what was the last thing you said? "thank you" on the phone getting my schedule. 17. Would you be able to date someone who had a kid with someone else? i guess so...but i dont particulatly like children haha 18. When is the last time you were on a vacation? like two years ago. 19. Do you make your bed every day? never 20. Are you too afraid to tell someone when you are developing feelings for them? usually 21. Do you use the Internet or television more? internet 22. Who messaged you last? text...PJ 25. Why are you taking this survey? im wicked, wicked bored 26. Do you have feelings for anyone, and if so, do they know? i hate this question. 27. What are your plans tonight? working as a FOOD RUNNER! ugh. 28. Do you want to be in a relationship right now? moreso than ever before. but whatever. 29. If you could pack up and leave your life now to move away, would you? it would be something id strongly consider. 30. Have you ever done any acting on stage? in high school we did this horrible play...and stuff haha. 31. Do you like being in pictures? eh sometimes 32. Do you cry easily? not so much anymore. 33. Have you ever been more attracted to a significant others sibling than them? sortaaa 34. What is the last fun, free activity you did? sleep. 36. Do you tend to fall for people easily? yeah 37. Have you spent more time in your life single, or in a relationship? most definitly single 38. What person in your family are you the most like? my aunt noelle or my papa 39. Are you quick to start a fight? it depends. usually not. 40. Have you ever put anything other than cheese in your grilled cheese? tomatoooo! 41. What are you studying in school? psychology 42. Do your parents really know you? i guess so but not totally 43. Have you ever felt invincible? yeah 44. Last person to call you? tommy like 4 days ago. yayy no one calls me. 45. Do you get along well with your siblings? sure...when theyre not being difficult.

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